:: Angel's Diary ::

It's been a while since the last time I wrote my diary. What can I say?? I just write whenever I got the inspiration. This time, the inspiration came from my second family.

A couple of nights ago, I dreamt about Somebody. He happens to be a worship leader in my church, plus a Community Cell Leader, plus a song writer (not to much), plus a speaker (on several occation) and..so many plus plus thing I saw from the outside. I admire him for like 2 years. But one of my friend told me that it's better if I'm not having high hope for him, because he's not such a nice man in person. Thinking to follow his advice, I still can't help to dream about him that night.

I used to think that my dream is a sign or some kind of premonition, back when I'm still in love with Someone, but now I know better. There were times when I dreamt a lot about Someone, usually a happy dream, like I'm getting married with him or walk down the aisle together with both of our parents in our side (seriously). Later on, I realize that I might have a dream in the night if I think about it a lot during the day. Till this day, it still amazes me how God create us according to His image and likeness.

On the Sunday service, the speaker told us that a dream is still a dream unless you work on it. Well, I think it's true. In Someone's case, I already work on it, but I realize that we're not meant to be, well actually...he's the one who realize it first and be the "bad guy" (haha). So I moving on with just a memory about one of the greatest person I'm, thankfully, having the chance to know, and for sure he's just stays for one season in my life.

Back to Somebody, another friend of mine asking what effort have I done to get close to him. I have to admit, I haven't done anything. He question if I try to join the same ministry with him, which the answer is no. I did consider that option, of course, but when I join this church, I already made a promise with God that: 1. I don't want to be in a rush for any ministry until I'm ready for it (mentally and spiritually); 2. And when the time comes for me to join a ministry, it'll be only for Him and because of Him, not because any other reason like wanna get close with any guy (In case you're wondering, the answer is yes. I already like Somebody when I made that promise). And maybe that's why I keep dragging myself (and my sister) to join any class my church have and having my own small community. Naturally, I'm not so much a people person (I explain myself better in writing or any other non verbal way) so I had to push myself to commited through that hard times (Hey...it's easier if you know the purpose for the things you do rite??). Apart from that reason, deep down inside, maybe I'm not that serious into him. I like the way I feel when I look at him, the happy and jumpy feelings on the inside, even the good mood I have for the rest of the day. I like the way I feel when I know something about him that nobody else know..those special-just-for-me feeling (Eeww..okay...that start to sounds like groupies). Of course I always welcome the opportunity to get introduce to him (which I did), but nothing further.

Right now, I don't know who will God provide as my soulmate. I asked, even begged Him, but I haven't come up with an answer yet. Many times, I got so desperate and thinking negatively. At first, I don't know what to do with that kind of feelings, but as I grow, I learn that I'm the one who responsible for myself, so I'm trying to manage my feelings. It's a trial and error journey, but, hey, at least I'm trying.

To tell the truth, after the experience with Someone, I'm so scared. Scared to love, scared to get close with anybody, scared to trust, scared to open up, scared to care, even scared to dream again. I even live like this for a while. Until one time, I'm thinking that I only had 2 option in life; live in the protection bubble I create myself and let nobody hurt me, or I could open up myself, at the risk of being hurt, and really alive. I prefer to choose the second one and never regret it.

Afterword, you gotta works on your dreams, that way you'll know wheather it really comes from God and you can make it happen, or is it just a dream God provides to adorn your sleep.

PS: I wanna thank God for everyone He puts in my life, esp. my second home. They made me who I am today, and I can't thank God enough for that.